To be honest, my healing journey started 40 years ago. It comes in waves.
From the very first time I whispered through my tears, “It happened to me, too.” To the time a therapist said, “You seem fine to me. I don’t know why you need therapy.” But this has to be the biggest journey. The deepest dive. The most serious I’ve ever been about breaking the cycle. Let me tell you how it started.
I met him on a dating app. The connection was obvious immediately. We met for coffee and the coincidences were too strong to ignore. As we got to know one another, I felt like I was supposed to meet this person. He had been placed in my life for a reason. Anyway, it’s been two years, and we’ve talked pretty much every day since. When you get to know someone that closely, you see the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and you notice the patterns and the cycles. He certainly learned mine.
Let me tell you about my ugliest cycle – one I have lived since I was a child. Say I want to get healthy, make a positive change around food, exercise, vitamins, or something like that. I invest my time, energy, and money into a new plan, new products, and begin a new regimen, whatever it may be. But at some point, it fails. Whether it’s six months, or six weeks, or six days, the plan falls apart.
Because let’s be honest, those plans are not designed for you to succeed.
At this point, I feel like a failure. I slide into a funk. There are tears, depression, a sense of worthlessness. It’s not a pretty place to be. Thankfully, I work my way out of it slowly, with a lot of support from people who love me. And eventually, when I’m least suspecting it, I will make a new resolution to do something amazing for my health. Maybe something came up at a doctor appointment, or blood test results came in, or I read a self-help book, or I saw a motivating program on television or a YouTube channel. So I start juicing, or taking yoga…
And the cycle repeats.
When the new routine inevitable fails, there is a lot of self-judgement and criticism… the kind I would never say to a friend, but apparently have no problem saying to myself. Mr. Coincidences-Over-Coffee didn’t like my negative self-talk. He would get a pained expression when I fell into this dark space, like it was hurting him. At one point, he sent me a website link, saying, “I think you would like this.” Of course I thanked him, but people have been sending me helpful books, links, programs, pamphlets, and messages for decades. I didn’t even open it.
And so the vicious cycle repeated.
“Did you look at that website I sent you?” I heard again. I had to admit I had not. He wasn’t going to push, so he told me he had looked at it, and he just thought that I would connect with their message. Finally, one day I was so miserable, I pulled up the link. I started to explore the website. These two women had written a book, and they did retreats, both online and in person, and the more I read, the more intrigued I became. I bought the book. It changed my life.
The ideas these ladies shared were revolutionary to me, and honestly, pretty revolutionary for women and the health industry. They resonated so deeply inside of me, I felt my world shift. If I was brave enough to walk it, a new path was in front of me.
I began to understand the expectations placed upon me, upon all of us. Whether you’re a woman, a trauma survivor, a fat person, all of the above, none of the above… whatever you’re going through, healing from, recovering from, this gave me a way to reframe everything. My perspective shifted.
Now I’m moving forward and I no longer see any of the old crap I used to see. Seriously. I have a totally different outlook on life now, and that’s why I’m here. This has revolutionized the way I see the world and the way I see myself interacting with the world. And that includes movement, exercise, food, health, doctors, expectations… I’m in a different world now. If I can help ONE person by sharing my journey, I have been successful.
I don’t want you to miss this adventure, because it’s about to get real here. The good and bad, pretty and ugly. The triumphs and failures, the love and the shit. I’m so grateful for all of it, and I’m grateful for all of you who choose to be here with me. We’re going to find our light, and never dim it for anyone. Who’s with me?
