Finding Myself at Kripalu

I didn’t want to wait. When you’re really, really ready, nothing will stop you from moving forward. I had to move forward.

Unexpected Path Ahead

When I first discovered the Center for Body Trust and ordered their book, I had no idea what it would spark. I personally related to so many things on their website, but the most accessible thing for me was ordering the book. So that’s where I started.

I did not get far into the book before it was resonating so deeply that I knew I had found a path I needed to explore further. The retreat options on their website were out of my budget, and of course the one I was most drawn to was being held on the other side of the country. A call to the center in Portland, OR confirmed that there were no plans to hold the retreat anywhere near me within the next year. Oy. I didn’t want to wait. When you’re really, really ready, nothing will stop you from moving forward. I had to move forward. How was I going to afford this?

Finding the Funds

I admit to impulsive purchases just like anyone else. I have a complicated past with retail therapy. That is a whole post for another time. But this was different. This felt like an investment. I needed to consider this carefully before handing over my credit card.

At that time, it was my custom to take an international vacation in the fall. I reasoned with myself that if I took the money from that annual vacation and put it toward this retreat instead, I would be able to afford it. But I would forfeit my international trip that year. After a lot of consideration, and a lot of gentle encouragement from the now boyfriend, it became abundantly clear to me that this was going to be an investment in myself, and I am definitely worth it. So I booked the retreat.

I even upgraded to a private room with a private bath. I know… bougie.

Jumping in with Both Feet

Let me first clarify that this retreat was for women and those that identify as women. As the week went on, it was so clear to me why this parameter was set. As the workshop began, I was surrounded by women who were strangers, mostly quiet, polite, and reserved. To be clear, I am polite, but I am hardly reserved or quiet.

Seated in a circle so we could all see one another, we started introducing ourselves. We met the founders of the Center for Body Trust who were leading the retreat. We began to get comfortable with each other.

When we were invited to share stories, I could see the fear in people’s eyes. Silence settled, so I said, “I’ll go.” And I just started to speak my truth.

Storyteller

I think it helped that this was not the very first time ever for me to tell my story. And I was not at the very beginning of my healing journey. I was very aware of my truth.

And it’s a hard truth. It’s hard to speak and it’s hard to hear. And these ladies all just sat and held space for my story until I was done. One of them passed a box of tissues to me. A few of them came and took tissues from my box. There was no judgment. Just women listening.

Fearless

Then something amazing happened. A few hands went up. They wanted to share. There were stories that shared a common thread with my own, while another story shared a different similarity.

More hands went up. As women spoke and women listened, all these stories went into our shared experience together, holding space for each other, validating each other, supporting and encouraging each other.

Foundational Shift

When I registered for the retreat, I think I expected that everyone attending would have similar issues to my own. Food issues. Body issues. Possibly weight issues. But what I learned, the underlying, foundational change in thinking, was that these things… eating disorders and body dysmorphia… are not the problem. They are the symptoms. The problem is much deeper.

Mine was the story of my childhood trauma that I had shared. (Or so I thought. The deeper I dove into it, the more I discovered. But we’ll get to that later.) Other ladies may have had the same or similar symptoms, but their trauma was completely different. To say I was shocked more than once in that circle of women is an understatement. I was not expecting such diverse experiences from these women.

A Different Perspective

And as I shared my memories, stories, and anecdotes over the course of the week, the shock, surprise, and horror on the faces of my community took me by surprise. It was only by seeing myself through other people’s eyes that I started to realize my experiences were not normal. Not okay. Not acceptable.

When all you know is your own lived experience, you assume everyone has something similar. Talking about things that I accepted as par for the course in my life caused other people to take a sharp intake of breath. And that made me pause. What was I not seeing clearly? What did I need to look at again? I knew I needed to move forward with this, and I needed help doing it.

Where Do I Go Next?

During a break, I approached one of the founders and asked her, “What do I do from here? At the point I am at on my journey, what is my next step?” She gave me the name of a nutritionist in my area that was educated in Body Trust theory and suggested I call to make an appointment. She did say one thing to me that I replays constantly in my mind. I am so thankful that she said it, because without this little warning, I don’t know if I would have made it.